Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
