I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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