but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
