Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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