you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
