She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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