i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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