Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is Oprah even human
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
