I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
