i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize
