when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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