I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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