i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
