im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
