just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize