Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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