you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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