Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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