Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
