ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
