And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize