How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
