my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
