I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
