Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
