Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize