Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
