wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm too high and old for this...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
