i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
worst night to have a conscience
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
