I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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