I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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