his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
