the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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