I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
