four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
