Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
