Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
