If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
