I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
