My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
