So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
