he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
They took my balls.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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