He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
