The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
