I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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