I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
