he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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