my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
