So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
