He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
