very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
