You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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