Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
