I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
