We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
