I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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