I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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