Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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