there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
