My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
