Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
