I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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