I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
