You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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