I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just found puke in my bra..
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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