Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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